…MarK…18…

hmmmmmmmmm.,

every love stories have different beginning.,

and definitely different endings.,

some starts happily and also end with the lovers living happily ever after.,

some starts great and eventually end miserably.,

some starts then ends and eventually get their second chances.,

too many different ways of how love would occur on everyone’s own world.,

but still.,

everyone of us wishes a happy beginning and an ending of living happily ever after with the one we love.,

guess not all of us gets what we wishes.,

especially for me.,

i had too many stories.,

but they all ended painfully.,

and i dont know why i cant do anything but to let them go.,

they say when u love someone unconditionally.,

u will win the game of love no matter what the outcome may be.,

but with ur heart shattered.,

feelings unrecognized.,

love not felt back.,

and afterwards ur love loved another.,

can you really say you won?,

love.. love… love….

i dont know what to do anymore.,

i feel so miserable.,

helpless.,

all i want is a warm hug.,

a gentle touch.,

from the one i love.,

eventhough i shouldnt want such thing..

damn it.,
im so broke.,
i dont even know what to do now.,
im tired of this.,
im tired of everything.,
waiting.,
living.,
loving.,
why does it have to be this hard.,
yeah its stupid.,
so so stupid.,
loving this much.,
even if im not being loved back.,
but i cant leave the fact that.,
somehow.,
this stupidity may lead me into that
happiness i’ve been longing.,
that after this hardship.,
that after all this pain.,
i may make my way to you.,
beside you.,
to hold you tight.,
to say right in front of you.,
how much i love you.,
hay.,

i once had this thought., this hope., that i could be happy again., happy than ever., happy with her., i thought she’s already ready to come back., i have been waiting for her since the day she left., she hasn’t been so sweet to me since then., her very smile is my sunshine., her voice is the only sweet song i wanna hear., her eyes are the only scenery i wanna stare at., she is the only woman i wanna love for the rest of my life., but everything crashed., my sunshine became darker than the night., my sweet song made me cry each night., my beautiful scenery suddenly vanished., maybe my love for her wasnt good enough., that thought., that hope., it all flew away., hmmm., i still wanna do something for her to learn to love me again., but i dont know what., i dont know how., i rili want her back., hay., i love her so much.,

it’s hard to live in a world where noone knows u.,

they only know u by name.,

but they can never know what u r, how u r, and who u rili are.,

they judge u by how they see u and what they see in u.,

while never knowing all the grudge u have inside u.,

they hold u when ur fine.,

but let go of u when u need them.,

they can never see how and what u rili are.,

but still they’ll say what they want.,

while barely knowing it.,

ur already standing on a world where there is only.,

misjudgements.,

the worst., ur probably standing there.,

alone.,

-winter-

To love and be loved is but natural among human beings.  At one point in our lives, we all experienced that innate feeling.  In the same way, we all have different experiences….for some, that thing they called “LOVE” worked-out just perfectly fine…but for most I guess, it didn’t worked out just fine.  Some love affairs went strong, some even ended to forever, but for most, after quite some time went on separate ways…and for whatever we do, may it be to hold on or let go, we have varying responses and means of coping, for we do possess different strengths and weaknesses which made us unique.  That “uniqueness” of ours enables us to win the most complicated whirlwind love challenge which I will call “DESTINY’S GAME”.  I may say that to have loved unconditionally side by side by being brave and strong are my uniqueness which made me gamble on that destiny’s game.

Not so long ago, I was on the process of searching, searching for that missing piece to complete me.  The quest went on and on until somebody came along, somebody whom I perceived to be the “ONE” to complete me, to make me happy, and to make me feel that I am on the top of the world. And yes she did that, and yes she is the “ONE”.  She has taught me a lot of lessons in life. While I feel like a blank canvass before; she painted colors on that canvass and from then on, I learned how to appreciate the beauty of life.  Just like any other typical relationships, promises were given: anything, almost everything.  I felt like I was a star in a romantic novel.  With that I unconsciously believed that she is indeed the “ONE”.  I’ve loved her…… the love grew more and more each day…..until such time that love has eaten me………my life revolved around her….and in the process, I lost myself.  But then again, I am a believer of love…. Yes I am,,,, but now I may say I WAS.

The memories of ours were still vivid.  From a simple argument, a petty fight, we became strangers, we didn’t talk and it seems that a wall was built between us. Nobody reached out…there was a complete silence until I gave up….. I apologized and tried to fix things out.  I never realized that to some point I was a bit too late………………she already quit……….and it hurts…………. but just like any other stories, I’ve accepted that ours no matter how good it is has to end…..

But destiny indeed is very playful, why is it that when you are already moving on, you will find out what the real reason is?.  There’s somebody who took my place in her heart..

Now I’m left with no other choice but to learn the virtue of acceptance and eventually to let go. I know for sure it will be hard, but I guess that’s what it takes to fall in love……more often than not, to let go of the one we love, especially if the one we love is no longer happy with us, is the sweetest way of saying we love them. I’m standing strong and moving on….. with the love, understanding and comfort of friends, family and other significant others around, I know eventually everything will turn out just fine….. if not as good as before,  pretty much better for sure….. and soon she’ll see that I have been better off without her. 

*by someone whom I dont know., i just saw this in her file to be printed.,*

*edited the pronouns., to make it addressing to a girl and to make it much more like describing my own life., i dont really like to edit much coz this is really not my work., and i think i dont even need to change too many things., coz it really does suit me well., even without changes or anything.,ü*

what would you do and say.,

if i took my one last breath in front of you?,

will you hug me tight, cry and regret.,

why you didnt tell me how much you love me while you still can.,

or.,

will you just sit and cry beside me .,

hoping you told me how hopeless we already are.,

while im still breathing.,

thinking none of this could have happened.,

if you did?,

no matter what choice you take.,

its still regret that’s been waiting for you.,

in the end.,

so.,

now that you still have time.,

please.,

tell me., what you want to happen.,

why did something like this have to happen., i never wanted it to be this way., i never expected something like this., all i want to be is with you., right by your side., to smile when u smile., to laugh wen u laugh., to cry when u cry., to love and be loved., i’ll tell u a story.,

there is this one day i cant forget., and i just dont know y., it happened 2 years ago or more., i was at home and i cant remember why., then my sister got home with her friends., there., i first saw this very beautiful girl., for some reasons which i dont know., she stood out best among them for me., just a glance made me think that she’s one of a kind., my feet suddenly moved on its own., and walked from where they are., sat on a corner., and stare on nowhere but on her., how she stood up., how she laughed., how she sat., how she smiled., everything about her from that very day., those., already painted on my mind., i was very glad that they came., honestly., i think., on that same day., my feelings for her was flicked., but i just didnt notice it., i never had dat same day., until that day., im not so good on remembering and memorizing dates., but i dont forget everything that happened., she was there on our shop., and when she and my sister is already going home., my two bestfriends stopped them near the door and talked to them., i went near them and just stared at her., we didnt really talked., there’s something inside me that gave me this feeling of shyness., something that stopped me from saying something and made me just stare at how she smiles., and just smile back at her whenever she give that smile to me., on that day., believe it or not., she became that girl that i’ve been thinking of., i was satisfied on just thinking and dreaming of her., coz i never believed that there could be something between us., until my very special day., which is my birthday., she told my sister to greet me a happy birthday for her., and i asked my sister for her number., to say thanks and show how much i appreciate it., but it didnt just end there., we texted all night until we fall asleep., and texted every day and every night that came after my birthday., then on that day., she conquered my heart., and without her even knowing., i already gave my heart to her., and made her my life.,then on may 24., we spent our first day alone., together., then on may 26., we exchanged iLoveYou’s., but its still not us., coz., though we know we love each other., we still want to make sure., that its real., and day after day., we felt that its real., i gave her matt on june 17 which is her birthday., then after that., on june 18., she told me., that she rili love me and that she wants to spend the rest of her life with me., but as time pass by., it felt like that love faded., it felt like., its not like what it is before., then on june 30., we agreed on a cool off., she told me., "i’ve just realized na parang may mali., minahal poh kita at naging masaya aq sau., wag m poh iciping hindi na kita mahal at na may mahal aqng iba., wala pogh sau ang mali., gs2 q lng poh tlga malaman kung bakit naging gn2 tau., kung bakit naging ganito aq sau.,"., i understand her risons., and im rili willing to wait., but i hope., she wont make me hold onto this rope of thorns for so long., coz it knows nothing but to make me bleed., but still., im holding onto it as tight as how much i dont want to lose her., and now., every night., every day., every hour., every minute., and every second of my life., all i do., all i wish., all i hope., all i ask and all i pray., is for that day., when she is ready to come back to me., the days that we will be sharing., with a better us., im just right here., waiting.,

~..iLoveYouSoMuch..18..~

-..xviii..-

-"LOVE"., it makes me weak., it makes me another person., more of., it makes me insane.,

i do things i dont normally do., i become someone not really myself.,

everything happens., not knowing what trick this "LOVE" uses to do those.,

once., on my search for love., i wished for someone to cuddle with.,

someone to love., someone to love me back., someone to hold forever.,

then., on the middle of my journey., i met someone who showed me what i’m searching for.,

i fall in love., i love., i fall even more., i give everything.,

though i’m not sure of the path i take., i’m not sure what kind of ending awaits me.,

all i want is to love., and to be loved.,

no matter what.,

i take risks., to prove how much i love that special one.,

i fight., not only for myself., but for the love i searched for so long.,

i give everything., but in the end., still., there’s this question.,

"what am i fighting for?," "why am i still fighting?," "is she showing something to fight for?,"

all i know., is that., im doing this because iLove her., because., iLoveHerSoMuch.,

it’s the last thing that keeps me on holding on.,

the last thing that keeps me on fighting.,

it’s just so hard to believe., on things., I can’t even hear., I can’t even feel.,

things., you’re not making me hear., and you’re not making me feel.,

please., give me a reason to hold on tighter.,

a reason to look forward on waking up each morning.,

i know., i believe., "YOU" will be coming back to me.,

im begging you., come back now please.,

before its too late.,

show me how much you dont want me to let go.,

if you wont be coming back.,

tell me as early as now., for the pain not to pierce me even deeper.,

and if this is the last time you’d be hearing this., just want you to know.,

~..iLoveYouSoMuch..18..~

i cant really understand life..

i was wandering on a gray life tiL she came..

and gave color into it..

but the hardest part was..

when she finished painting it..

she left and never said something..

she gave a part of her world..

but instantly took it back..

she left me with nothing..

now..

my world is again gray and empty..

i dont have a reason to smile once again..

she flew like a bird..

after resting in one of my branches..

i laid my hopes and dreams on her wings..

and it flew away with her..

It’s over. Finally, I can breathe. I can have a life again, something apart from always trying to be there for you. I can stop trying to understand, trying to make you see that we can work through this, that our love is worth fighting for. All the uncertainty, all the confusion, all the pain of not knowing where I went wrong, is finally over. D*mn you for putting me through all that. D*mn you for taking my belief in love, my belief in forever, my belief in you, and handing them back to me broken, saying you can’t deal with them anymore. You will never know how much you hurt me by just giving up, you will never know how much you scared me from loving as much as I loved you ever again. I did not deserve to be hurt that way. And you didn’t deserve my trust. So much wasted emotion. I had so much more tenderness to give, I could have stayed with you longer, but you didn’t think it would be worth our while. I know you still love me, as I know that you were too d*mned scared to be vulnerable. And I was stupid enough to hope I can help you conquer that fear, or live with it, so that you can take the risk of letting me into your heart. Not anymore. You would rather hurt me than let down your guard. I loved you. Honestly, bravely, intensely I loved you. But it wasn’t enough. I hate the fact that we could have saved us, but we didn’t. We simply gave up something rare, something that doesn’t come along everyday. I hate the emptiness. I hate the regrets. But the worst thing about all this is the simple, stupid, pathetic truth that I miss you. I miss you. I knew losing you would be painful, but pain, I can deal with. I can cope with the sharp, intense rush of emotion that cuts like a knife, but is relieved somehow by tears and is dulled by the passage of time. What I didn’t expect was the sadness – the steady, lingering hurt that comes with the realization that you will never again look at me as if I’m precious, special, and infinitely cherished, you will never again call me “panget”. It’s the constant heaviness that haunts me and makes me wonder if I’ll ever be whole again without you, of if I’ll always mourn the part of me that died with our love. I miss you. And I’m to be totally honest with myself, I’ll have to admit that I’d do anything, give everything even go through all the confusion again, just to find a way for you to keep believing in us. But there’s no chance of that. Some goodbyes are final. I have a feeling this one is.